The 2014 Grammy Awards

The Grammy Awards suck.

I like to think that I can talk about and/or listen to music with some degree of objectivity, including the lists and awards handed out by critics and institutions. But in a year that saw the release of albums like Aeroplane Over the Sea, Hello Nasty and Mermaid Avenue, Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" won recording of the year. Only in an alternative universe in which corporate shills act as God would the theme for Titanic be considered a superior recording to "Holland, 1945" or "Ingrid Bergman". Hell, last year, Mumford & Sons' turd of a sophomore album beat out Jack White, the Black Keys and Frank Ocean for Album of the Year, insuring that "The Grammy Awards suck" should be treated by music lovers as a statement of universal truth to which religious reverence should be lent.

Whatever.

I could go on and on, but the problems that audiophiles have with the Grammys are as oft repeated as they are patently obvious. It's a waste of your time as well as mine to rehash them here. What I'd like to do instead is go over some of the categories to give my opinion on who should win the award and who I'd give it to in the ideal world in which I was responsible for such things.

The Grammys have a lot of categories, and I'm not so pretentious that I'd claim to know the right choice for every one of them. In a ceremony that gifts an award for "Best Regional Mexican Music Album" (which to me seems to have at least two redundant phrases in it), there are some categories that I don't even understand, much less have any knowledge of. I mean, what the hell is a "Contemporary Urban Album" suppose to be anyway?

So instead, I'll be focusing on the (admittedly quite large) handful of categories that I do have some authority to talk about. For your convenience, I'm using the list provided by the Grammy Awards themselves, which can be found here. That will give you some idea of what the hell I'm talking about when I throw numbers out there. According to the website, nominees qualify between October of 2012 and September of 2013, so I'll follow that guideline as well. It shouldn't exclude anything I'd nominate, in any case.

#68. Producer of the Year, Nonclassical

Nominees:

Rob Cavallo• All That Echoes (Josh Groban) (A) • Bright Lights (Gary Clark Jr.) (T) • ¡Dos! (Green Day) (A) • If I Loved You (Delta Rae Featuring Lindsey Buckingham) (S) • Love They Say (Tegan And Sara) (T) • Things Are Changin' (Gary Clark Jr.) (T) • ¡Tré! (Green Day) (A) • When My Train Pulls In (Gary Clark Jr.) (T) • You've Got Time (Regina Spektor) (S)

Dr. Luke
• Bounce It (Juicy J Featuring Wale & Trey Songz) (S) • Crazy Kids (Kesha) (S) • Fall Down (will.i.am Featuring Miley Cyrus) (S) • Give It 2 U (Robin Thicke Featuring Kendrick Lamar) (S) • Play It Again (Becky G) (S) • Roar (Katy Perry) (S) • Rock Me (One Direction) (T) • Wrecking Ball (Miley Cyrus) (S)

Ariel Rechtshaid• Days Are Gone (Haim) (A) • Everything Is Embarrassing (Sky Ferreira) (T) • Lost In My Bedroom (Sky Ferreira) (T) • Modern Vampires Of The City (Vampire Weekend) (A) • Reincarnated (Snoop Lion) (A) • True Romance (Charli XCX) (A) • You're No Good (Major Lazer Featuring Santigold, Vybz Kartel, Danielle Haim & Yasmin) (T)

Jeff Tweedy
• The Invisible Way (Low) (A) • One True Vine (Mavis Staples) (A) • Wassaic Way (Sarah Lee Guthrie And Johnny Irion) (A)

Pharrell Williams• BBC (Jay Z) (T) • Blurred Lines (Robin Thicke Featuring T.I. & Pharrell) (S) • Happy (Pharrell Williams) (T) • I Can't Describe (The Way I Feel) (Jennifer Hudson Featuring T.I.) (S) • Nuclear (Destiny's Child) (T) • Oceans (Jay Z Featuring Frank Ocean) (T) • Reach Out Richard (Mayer Hawthorne) (T) • The Stars Are Ours (Mayer Hawthorne) (T)

My Pick: The Grammy Awards themselves never start with the biggest categories, and neither will I. Rechtshaid and Cavallo's work listed are cavalcades of mediocrity and Dr. Luke's list represents almost everyone in the music industry that I'd like to set on fire, so I can eliminate them easily. That leaves Tweedy and Pharrell. While I have nothing but undying respect for Tweedy, and while his is probably the better body of work represented, it's extremely difficult to argue for anyone but Pharrell Williams. Williams is a genius in his own right, and his ability to make fantastic melodies out of a minimalist approach to instrumentation is actively changing the way pop music sounds for the better. On top of that, this was clearly the year his approach asserted its dominance through hits like "Blurred Lines", "Happy" and "Get Lucky". It's Pharell's year, and the award should (and will) go to him.

And if I had it my way: Probably the same, although there's really no excuse for Dan Aurbauch not being on this list. Aurbauch has become one of the preeminent talent scouts of the music industry, and the flashy sheen that his production puts on records is making those finds palatable to wider audiences.

#64 Best Boxed or Special Edition Package

The Brussels Affair (Charles Dooher & Scott Sandler, art directors (The Rolling Stones)

How Do You Do (Limited Edition Box Set)

The Road To Red Rocks (Special Edition)

The Smith Tapes

Wings Over America (Deluxe Edition)

My Pick: Probably Smith Tapes just because it's interesting. This is a weak field though. And can someone please explain to me how the hell Mumford & Sons feel that they warrant a box set after the release of just 2 albums? You're not the fucking Sex Pistols, so let's cool it on the legacy hunting.

And if I had it my way: Paramont Records Wonder-Cabinet. The set features the very best of music from one of the first major labels 15 years (1917 to 1932), and seeing as they were the first label to take a serious interest in recording American roots music, that makes this a hell of an intriguing find. Every tune has been remastered by Jack White's Third Man Records, the company releasing it. At a cost of just under $500, I can only dream of this box set. But I would do things to get my hands on it. Cruel, potentially unforgivable things.

#57 Best Soundtrack for Visual Media

Django Unchained

The Great Gatsby (Deluxe Edition)

Les Misérables (Deluxe Edition)

Muscle Shoals

Sound City: Real To Reel

My Pick: This is a strong category, masturbatory inclusion of Great Gatsby notwithstanding. My pick would go to Django Unchained. It's a great soundtrack, and QT's penchant for interspersing the best bits of dialogue from the film throughout the soundtrack works as magically as ever.

And if I had it my way: It's high time that this category, which was obviously left open ended to include more than film, if the need arose, start accepting video game entries. Off the top of my head, I can think of a few games that deserved inclusion at least as nominees, and two that should have won outright. The first was Rockstar's flawless soundtrack for Grand Theft Auto: Vice City from 2002, and the other is Bioshock: Infinite from this year. I've discussed it in two of my previous posts, so I won't bore you with the details, but the game's soundtrack is both imaginative, thematically perfect and extraordinarily well performed. There's only ever been one Grammy nod for a video game score, but Bioshock: Infinite should absolutely be granted the honor as well.

This is where the big jump happens. While best World Music, Gospel, Bluegrass, Blues and Roots Music albums are all categories I'm capable of playing in, I don't know enough to have a deep understanding of the nominees present. It's unfortunate too, because to me, those are the most interesting Grammy Awards. Taylor Swift will continue to get country music nomination nods for her perpetually shitty to mediocre music every year she craps out an album. That's because she sells millions of records and the corporate interests who run this award ceremony shoe-horn her in. These categories? No such fame and fortune. These are breeds of music with limited audiences, and Grammy awards and nominations here really do tend to go to the people who deserve them most. I'd go so far as to argue that the Grammy Awards represent a better gauge for artists in these categories than more prestigious institutions like the Pazz and Jop Poll, because they at least take the time to focus on them in the first place. Next year, instead of doing this, I think I'll do a write up of all the music present in the lesser known categories and rate that. But for now, I'm going to jump past them.

#29 Best Country Album

Night Train by Jason Aldean

Two Lanes of Freedom by Tim McGraw

Same Trailer, Different Park by Kacey Musgraves

Based on a True Story by Blake Shelton

Red by Taylor Swift

My Pick:  Those of you who've read me for a while know that I was very impressed by the work of newcomer Kacey Musgraves, and this collection of crappy pop artists gives her no competition in my eyes. I can't tell you how many years Tim McGraw has been turning out generic Nashville nonsense, but Musgraves' lyrical themes and the various bluegrass, blues and rock flavors have allowed her to blow the likes of him out of the water with her very first release. Musgraves represents a refreshing change of pace for the country world, and I hope her attitudes and style catch on.

And if I had it my way: Since the Grammy Awards seem to file anything that's not popular under "alternative" (a musical term that lost any meaning eons ago), I'll switch up the order a bit. For me, Neko Case is alternative country, and that means I'd give her the Grammy for Country Album. I'll go ahead and skip a step in giving her Best Country Song for "Man" too, while I'm at it. I've talked about Case's recent album extensively, so I'll spare you.

#25 Best Rap Album

Nothing was the Same by Drake

Magna Carta...Holy Grail by Jay-Z

Good Kid, M.A.A.D. City by Kendrick Lamar

The Heist by Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis

Yeezus by Kanye West

My Pick: I've stated many times that I've thought this was a weak year for hip-hop, and boy howdy is that reflected in this crop of nominees. Of these records, two are stinking turds, one is purely mediocre and only Mackelmore and Kendrick Lamar are particularly good. I'll pick Mackelmore for at least coming to the table with a fresh approach, but none of these records are exactly masterworks.

If I had it my way: Run the Jewels by Run the Jewels. Killer Mike and El-P combining to form a duo is about as dynamic and inspiring a rap collaboration as one could ask for. El-P is, for my money, the best beat master short of the Roots and Killer Mike throws down a fast-and-furious, hard pounding style of rap that's a joy to listen to. With their powers combined, the pair's debut collaboration is a relentless, fun masterpiece of street rap tragically ignored by the likes of the Grammys.

#24 Best Rap Song

Every one of the songs nominated in this category sucks, so I'm not even going to bother. I guess I'd go with "Thrift Shop" by Mackelmore for the win if you put a gun to my head, but it's just heartbreaking that a joke song is better than the other nominees.

If I had it My Way: "Walk us Uptown" by the Elvis Costello & the Roots. I've again written pretty extensively about this song and the album on which it appears. The Roots are the best.

#16 Best Alternative Music Album

The Worse Things Get, the Harder I Fight. The Harder I Fight, the More I Love You by Neko Case

Trouble Will Find Me by the National

Hesitation Marks by Nine Inch Nails

Lonerism by Tame Impala

Modern Vampires of the City by Vampire Weekend

My Pick: I had initially planned to do a list of the ten most disappointing releases of 2013, but nixed the idea based on the sagely advice from Nelson Mandela that if you can't say something nice, it's best not to say anything at all (citation needed). I bring this up because no less than three of these five nominees were on that list, and one of the remainders was in serious contention for it. I won't  point any fingers as to which ones drew my ire, but here's a hint: it's everyone not named Neko Case. 

If I had it my way: This would be an entirely different list of nominees, for starters. Where is Savages? Where is Parquet Court? Why is Neko Case not in country? Trying to unravel the mystery that is the Grammy's categorization/nomination process leaves me with more questions than answers, so I'll cut to the chase and give this award to Parquet Court for Light up Gold.

#12 Best Rock Album

13 by Black Sabbath

The Next Day by David Bowie

Celebration Day by Led Zepplin

...Like Clockwork by Queens of the Stoneage

Psychedelic Pill by Neil Young & Crazy Horse

My Pick: Uffda. I though the alternative selection was bad. 13 and Psychedelic Pill completely suck, The Next Day is strictly okay and Celebration Day was both a movie and a collection of old live footage rather than an album. I'll pick Clockwork, not for being one of the years best albums, but for being the only redeeming factor of this list.

If I had it my way: Burn them all. And then give the award to Richard Thompson for Electric

#12 Best Rock Song

"Ain't Messin Round" by Guy Clark

"Cut Me Some Slack" by Dave Grohl and Paul McCartney

"Doom and Gloom" by the Rolling Stones

"Panic Station" by Matthew Bellamy

My Pick: Just when I'd given up hope of seeing a well rounded category again, I find this. This is a pretty damn good list of songs. I mean, the right choice is "Doom and Gloom" by a thousand, thousand miles, but still...good on you, Grammys.

If I had it my way: The Rolling Stones deserve a ton of credit for creating one of the hardest rocking, most dynamic tunes of their career 50 years into it. Jagger and Richards were 69 years old when this song was recorded, and they sound just as badass as they ever did. Since it counts for this ceremony, I will absolutely double down on this choice.

I'll summarize pop here to save you all time

The pop categories at the Grammys are a total mess. There are too many variations to the Pop and dance music for me to cover them all, and there isn't a great album in between the lot of them. Pure Heroine is the closest thing to a complete package, and writing about how I like that one ten times is just going to get tedious. So instead, I'm going to write the ones I see appearing the most here.

"Get Lucky" by Daft Punk

"Royals" by Lorde

"Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke

"Roar" by Katy Perry

"Locked out of Heaven" by Bruno Mars

My Pick: I gotta say, this is a hell of a list. "Roar" is the only song on here I outright dislike, and even that one's entirely tolerable. Granted, I'm cherry picking, but even the songs that surrounded these ones in the eight odd pop categories are all pretty good. I'd probably have to give Lorde the nod here, although Daft Punk is seriously tempting. I've never been a fan, but Pharelle did a phenomenal job with "Get Lucky". Still, "Royals" competes very well with "Get Lucky"'s sound and ultimately has more interesting things to say. I'll go with it.

If I had it My Way: Chvrches would be nominated, and it would win. That's the more innovative pop record, no question.

#4 Best New Artist

James Blake

Kendrick Lamar

Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis

Kacey Musgraves

Ed Sheeran

My Pick: At this point, it would be no surprise to you that I'd take Musgraves. I've been over the reasoning for that repeatedly.

If it were up to me: This is one of those categories that irks me. What the Grammys mean when they say "best new artist" is "best artist that got insanely popular during this last fiscal year". Well, two can play at that game, Grammys! I'd like to nominate Chvrches and Bombino to replace Sheeran and Mackelmore. Bombino takes it for me, simply for being the single best guitar player making music today. Technically his breakout album Nomad was not his first, but Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis aren't exactly newcomers either. Failing that, then, I'd give Chvrches the nod. They're one of the most exciting bands to emerge this last year, and I'm eagerly anticipating their next step.

I'm not going to dignify the Grammy's album of the year list with a response. I'm not entirely sure why there's a distinction between the song and recording of the years, as those seem like synonymous concepts. So I'll skip to recording of the year to tally this off.

#1 Record of the Year

"Get Lucky" by Daft Punk

"Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons

"Royals" by Lorde

"Locked out of Heaven" by Bruno Mars

"Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke

My Pick: I should probably select "Royals" again, but for the sake of variety, let's go with "Radioactive". It's a great song that I still love, despite the shockingly brief time it took for Imagine Dragons to piss away their potential.

If it were up to me: This is a tough one, actually. I picked a favorite song of the year easily enough, but that was my personal favorite. To pick a recording that is great from a more universal perspective is a tougher choice. For the period presented, I choose "Doom and Gloom" by the Rolling Stones. Someday, when the Stones die/retire, "Doom and Gloom" will be remembered as the exclamation mark at the end of of the most legendary band in hard rock history. I like to think that the Stones' greatness really began with 1963's "Satisfaction" and if it ended with "Doom and Gloom", it would make for the best bookend singles in rock history. "Doom and Gloom" for the win!

Playlist: Post Drinking Songs

I don't get drunk often. But I do imbibe fairly regularly, and whenever I do, I get cravings. I tend to crave sweets (bad), food (worse) and, as you could probably guess by now, music. Typically speaking, my musical binges follow a logical line, in which I listen to entire albums, or at the very least have sensible transitions from one artist to another. Today at work, for instance, the musical progression went as follows:

1. Pet Shop Boys' 3rd Album
2. Talking Heads' Greatest Hits
3. A handful of David Byrne songs
4. King of America by Elvis Costello

See? Looking at that, it's entirely understandable how I got from point 1 to point 4.

Not so when I've had a few drinks in me. The cravings start, and that strong sense of order flies right out the window. The really sad part is that there are only about a couple dozen songs I ever get around to listening to when I come home after a night out, and the order in which I do them is a total crap shoot. They also have about as much in common as apples, oranges, baseballs and firecrackers. I won't share the full list for you, but here's a little sample of the songs that keep happening to me when I'm under the influence, and I suppose, in an inadvertent sort of way, what my brain must look like when that happens.

1. Dead Man's Party by Oingo Boingo

Will I play it drunk?: Undoubtedly. In fact, this will probably be the first song I play drunk. And the second. And the third...

Will I sing along?: Please. This is right there at the top of the list of songs that make me pretend I'm a rock star.

Will I dance to it?: That depends on one's perspective. I like to call it dancing, but those stuffy labcoats keep insisting that its the advanced symptoms of a seizure.

I've already written about my thoughts on this song, so I'll spare you this time.

Here's a tip for those of you who follow me on Spotify: you can always tell when I've been drinking because this song will have been played about five or six times in a row. I'm not proud of it, but the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem.

Drink Pairing: Dark and Stormy

Supposedly dark, but ultimately sweet and kinda fruity. It's damn good, though, and packs quite a punch.

2. Love is Strange by Mickey and Silvia

Play: This one is sort of mood dependent, but the odds that I'll get around to it are fairly good

Sing: Naturally, and always Mickey's parts. Who doesn't enjoy the pretend notion of being in a duet?

Dance: Energetically and without shame, like I'm Patrick fucking Swayze

This one's similar to the previous entry, but without any of the attached shame. I can even put this one on in public, if I want to. On top of it being a classic, I find Mickey Baker to be one of the 1950s' more underrated guitarists. Despite being released firmly in the area of mopey doo-wop recorded for teens to make out to, this song has a lot of swing to it. So much swing that my hips are possessed by the disembodied spirit of Chuck Berry every single time I hear it, drunk or sober.

Drink Pairing: Gin Rickey

An American classic guaranteed to get you into that party spirit ahead of the sock-hop.

3. Body of an American by the Pogues

Play: Always. Gotta respect me roots

Sing: Yes. Because Anyone can sing along to the Pogues. No matter how much you've indulged, you'll never be as drunk as McGowan was when he recorded the song in the first place.

Dance: This isn't exactly a danceable track. Enthusiastic fist pumping, however, is always encouraged.

My friends who've endured this inevitable jukebox pick can thank David Simon and the folks at HBO for it. This has always been one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite bands, but it wasn't until I first saw its use in the ever marvelous detective wake scenes that I truly became addicted. "Body of an American" is one of the quintessential Irish American anthems by the quintessential Irish folk rock band. Play at high volumes only.

Drink Pairing: Jameson Irish Whiskey

"The fuck did I do?"

It's moments like this, when a bar echoes to the crooning  (slobbering) of Shane McGowan backed by proud, Irish folk music that you must ask yourself; what would Jimmy McNulty do? And Jameson is always the answer to that question.

4. Always on my Mind by the Pet Shop Boys

Play: Whether or not I get around to this one before I fall asleep is a real crapshoot.

Sing: Hooo, yeah. Ridiculous English accent and all.

Dance: Absolutely not. I barely dance in the first place, and I don't club dance ever.

On almost every album, the Pet Shop Boys include a cover of a song that an English synthpop band has no earthly business recording. And somehow, it's always one of the best tracks on the record. For their 1988 Introspective album, it was Elvis Presley's "You Were Always on my Mind", which they recorded to honor the tenth anniversary of his death. A great electronic song should be a deep experience with many layers of sound to get lost in, and this classic is no exception. For the Saturday night drunk, getting lost in electronica is awesome and the song's a classic, so you probably know the words. Best of all, it's 9 minutes long. So if you happen to pass out for part of it, it's no big deal. Fun Fact: I finished this entry in the time it took for this song to play through once.

Drink Pairing: A martini

You need a club drink for a song like this. That is what they drink in clubs, right?

5. Dixie Fried by Carl Perkins

Play: Maybe not on a normal night, but if I'm drinking in my hometown, I will absolutely play this song.

Sing: If I stick to the amazing Neimerg Winery, probably not. But if I venture down to the dive bar that all my high school classmates still hang out at, you can bet your bottom dollar that I'll be belting this song out through the streets on the walk home.

Dance: The Ozarks don't still enough moonshine

I am completely convinced that this Sun Records classic is one of the greatest drinking songs ever conceived by man. At least that's true if you're going to be drinking in some rural shithole. As glad as I am that the government has cracked down on drunk driving, I can't help but feel a little disappointed that I missed out on honky tonkin' while it was still a thing.

Drink Paring: Ole Smoky Tennessee Moonsine

It's gotta be original, and straight out of the jar like your grandpappy would have, but there is no better pairing for the anthem or rural debauchery than Ole Smoky. It's got that stilled-in-the-hills flavor without all that stilled-in-the-hills tainted liquor blindness.


Now, so far, we've only gone over good songs that I listen to when I've been drinking. But it's not really a bender until you start listening to the shitty ones that you can only admit you enjoy when you've got three or four drinks in your system. So let's get to that.

6. Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down

Play: Probably. I like this song much more than I care to admit, and under the influence is the only time I can listen to it without hating myself for it.

Sing: No way. Even guiltily indulging in something like this, I'm too proud to sing it out loud.

Dance: If there's a dance that goes with this song, I don't want to see what it looks like.

My brother and I developed the H-Rock theory. It details a genre of music that, while difficult to define, can always be determined by the unnecessary H added at the start of every other syllable. You know the type; Creed, 3 Doors Down, Chevelle, Nickelback...they all have the same jock vocalist, the same sound and a general lack of technical talent all around. And while I hate all of those artists almost as much as I've ever loved anything, I do like this song way, way more than I should.

Drink Pairing: Coors Light

Cheap, obviously mass produced and readily available at any frat party, this will still surprise you by being entirely decent.


7. I've Told Every Little Star by Linda Scott

Play?: Beyond question. This one's a perennial drunk Zack favorite.

Sing?: Let's just say that someday, the authorities are going to be called to my place because my neighbors keep hearing someone belt out "DUM! DA DUM! DA DA DA DA DA DA DA..." at 3 AM.

Dance?: I'm a man and I still have my dignity. No way on this one.

I'm being a little unfair to Linda Scott here. Guilty pleasures are supposed to suck, and this song is actually pretty good. Scott was a great singer, and the guitarist playing behind her is quite talented. The guilt, however, comes from how much I enjoy it. It's saccharine, poppy and hyper feminine, but goddamn if I don't love it anyway.

Ideal Pairing: Strawberry Daiquiri

It's way too sweet, and extremely girly, but ultimately goes down very pleasantly. For reasons of pride, you'd never order it in public, and you wouldn't want your friends to know how much you enjoyed it.

8. Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt

Play?: The odds aren't great that I'll play this, but if I do, it'll probably play about 5 times before I'm done.

Sing or Dance?: Not only have I never wanted to do either of these things, but I'm fairly sure that the Roman Pontiff declared it a mortal sin for other men to, as well.

My hatred of Christmas music is well documented, and it doesn't get much more kitschy than this. None the less, Kitt is a fantastic singer, even when she's putting on the baby voice. Musically, it's the exactly same kind of late 40s, early 50s jazz that I know many of you enjoyed in Fallout 3. So, really, there's a lot going on here, despite this song being pure Velveeta cheese.

Drink Pairing: Eggnog

On top of being seasonal, it's extremely bad for you in large doses. So if you're caught enjoying it outside of the 2.5-3 months out of the year in which it's socially acceptable, prepared to be frowned upon.

9. Homies by ICP

Play?: Not unless I'm with the Rude Dudes. If I am, then oh my God, yes!

Sing?: I have a full set of teeth, so no.

Dance?: .....

Like the Space Jam Theme and Nicholas Cage films, this song is wonderful for exactly the wrong reasons. And like those things, I can only truly enjoy them with a certain class of people. And awesome class of people. I am, of course, talking about the Rude Dudes; that wonderful band of college buddies with whom I enjoy drinking, chatting and watching the St. Louis Rams kick the shit out of the Saints. And apparently objectively terrible pop culture. Listening to this one brings back the best memories.

Drink Pairing: Colt .45 Malt Liquor

To partake, you must either be joking or very, very sad.

10. Captain Jack by Captain Jack

Play?: If I'm loopy enough, sure.

Sing?: Sheeeeiiiiit, there's video evidence out there of me doing that much sober.

Dance?: It would be an insult to the 90s if I didn't

If one were to tally up all the guilty pleasures I have out there, I would be willing to bet real cash that over half of them would be 90s dance pop songs. I love that music. And when it comes to goofy ass 90s songs, none is goofier, assier or 90sier that the 1996 classic (and I use that word pretty loosely, here) "Captain Jack". If this song doesn't at least make you smile, I'm not sure I want to know you.

Drink Pairing: Admiral Nelson Rum

A bottom shelf imitation of its counterparts that still manages to taste pretty good when you mix it. Also, that naval rank is bullshit.

That was a fun list. I think I'll do it again sometime.