Playlist: Post Drinking Songs

I don't get drunk often. But I do imbibe fairly regularly, and whenever I do, I get cravings. I tend to crave sweets (bad), food (worse) and, as you could probably guess by now, music. Typically speaking, my musical binges follow a logical line, in which I listen to entire albums, or at the very least have sensible transitions from one artist to another. Today at work, for instance, the musical progression went as follows:

1. Pet Shop Boys' 3rd Album
2. Talking Heads' Greatest Hits
3. A handful of David Byrne songs
4. King of America by Elvis Costello

See? Looking at that, it's entirely understandable how I got from point 1 to point 4.

Not so when I've had a few drinks in me. The cravings start, and that strong sense of order flies right out the window. The really sad part is that there are only about a couple dozen songs I ever get around to listening to when I come home after a night out, and the order in which I do them is a total crap shoot. They also have about as much in common as apples, oranges, baseballs and firecrackers. I won't share the full list for you, but here's a little sample of the songs that keep happening to me when I'm under the influence, and I suppose, in an inadvertent sort of way, what my brain must look like when that happens.

1. Dead Man's Party by Oingo Boingo

Will I play it drunk?: Undoubtedly. In fact, this will probably be the first song I play drunk. And the second. And the third...

Will I sing along?: Please. This is right there at the top of the list of songs that make me pretend I'm a rock star.

Will I dance to it?: That depends on one's perspective. I like to call it dancing, but those stuffy labcoats keep insisting that its the advanced symptoms of a seizure.

I've already written about my thoughts on this song, so I'll spare you this time.

Here's a tip for those of you who follow me on Spotify: you can always tell when I've been drinking because this song will have been played about five or six times in a row. I'm not proud of it, but the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem.

Drink Pairing: Dark and Stormy

Supposedly dark, but ultimately sweet and kinda fruity. It's damn good, though, and packs quite a punch.

2. Love is Strange by Mickey and Silvia

Play: This one is sort of mood dependent, but the odds that I'll get around to it are fairly good

Sing: Naturally, and always Mickey's parts. Who doesn't enjoy the pretend notion of being in a duet?

Dance: Energetically and without shame, like I'm Patrick fucking Swayze

This one's similar to the previous entry, but without any of the attached shame. I can even put this one on in public, if I want to. On top of it being a classic, I find Mickey Baker to be one of the 1950s' more underrated guitarists. Despite being released firmly in the area of mopey doo-wop recorded for teens to make out to, this song has a lot of swing to it. So much swing that my hips are possessed by the disembodied spirit of Chuck Berry every single time I hear it, drunk or sober.

Drink Pairing: Gin Rickey

An American classic guaranteed to get you into that party spirit ahead of the sock-hop.

3. Body of an American by the Pogues

Play: Always. Gotta respect me roots

Sing: Yes. Because Anyone can sing along to the Pogues. No matter how much you've indulged, you'll never be as drunk as McGowan was when he recorded the song in the first place.

Dance: This isn't exactly a danceable track. Enthusiastic fist pumping, however, is always encouraged.

My friends who've endured this inevitable jukebox pick can thank David Simon and the folks at HBO for it. This has always been one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite bands, but it wasn't until I first saw its use in the ever marvelous detective wake scenes that I truly became addicted. "Body of an American" is one of the quintessential Irish American anthems by the quintessential Irish folk rock band. Play at high volumes only.

Drink Pairing: Jameson Irish Whiskey

"The fuck did I do?"

It's moments like this, when a bar echoes to the crooning  (slobbering) of Shane McGowan backed by proud, Irish folk music that you must ask yourself; what would Jimmy McNulty do? And Jameson is always the answer to that question.

4. Always on my Mind by the Pet Shop Boys

Play: Whether or not I get around to this one before I fall asleep is a real crapshoot.

Sing: Hooo, yeah. Ridiculous English accent and all.

Dance: Absolutely not. I barely dance in the first place, and I don't club dance ever.

On almost every album, the Pet Shop Boys include a cover of a song that an English synthpop band has no earthly business recording. And somehow, it's always one of the best tracks on the record. For their 1988 Introspective album, it was Elvis Presley's "You Were Always on my Mind", which they recorded to honor the tenth anniversary of his death. A great electronic song should be a deep experience with many layers of sound to get lost in, and this classic is no exception. For the Saturday night drunk, getting lost in electronica is awesome and the song's a classic, so you probably know the words. Best of all, it's 9 minutes long. So if you happen to pass out for part of it, it's no big deal. Fun Fact: I finished this entry in the time it took for this song to play through once.

Drink Pairing: A martini

You need a club drink for a song like this. That is what they drink in clubs, right?

5. Dixie Fried by Carl Perkins

Play: Maybe not on a normal night, but if I'm drinking in my hometown, I will absolutely play this song.

Sing: If I stick to the amazing Neimerg Winery, probably not. But if I venture down to the dive bar that all my high school classmates still hang out at, you can bet your bottom dollar that I'll be belting this song out through the streets on the walk home.

Dance: The Ozarks don't still enough moonshine

I am completely convinced that this Sun Records classic is one of the greatest drinking songs ever conceived by man. At least that's true if you're going to be drinking in some rural shithole. As glad as I am that the government has cracked down on drunk driving, I can't help but feel a little disappointed that I missed out on honky tonkin' while it was still a thing.

Drink Paring: Ole Smoky Tennessee Moonsine

It's gotta be original, and straight out of the jar like your grandpappy would have, but there is no better pairing for the anthem or rural debauchery than Ole Smoky. It's got that stilled-in-the-hills flavor without all that stilled-in-the-hills tainted liquor blindness.


Now, so far, we've only gone over good songs that I listen to when I've been drinking. But it's not really a bender until you start listening to the shitty ones that you can only admit you enjoy when you've got three or four drinks in your system. So let's get to that.

6. Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down

Play: Probably. I like this song much more than I care to admit, and under the influence is the only time I can listen to it without hating myself for it.

Sing: No way. Even guiltily indulging in something like this, I'm too proud to sing it out loud.

Dance: If there's a dance that goes with this song, I don't want to see what it looks like.

My brother and I developed the H-Rock theory. It details a genre of music that, while difficult to define, can always be determined by the unnecessary H added at the start of every other syllable. You know the type; Creed, 3 Doors Down, Chevelle, Nickelback...they all have the same jock vocalist, the same sound and a general lack of technical talent all around. And while I hate all of those artists almost as much as I've ever loved anything, I do like this song way, way more than I should.

Drink Pairing: Coors Light

Cheap, obviously mass produced and readily available at any frat party, this will still surprise you by being entirely decent.


7. I've Told Every Little Star by Linda Scott

Play?: Beyond question. This one's a perennial drunk Zack favorite.

Sing?: Let's just say that someday, the authorities are going to be called to my place because my neighbors keep hearing someone belt out "DUM! DA DUM! DA DA DA DA DA DA DA..." at 3 AM.

Dance?: I'm a man and I still have my dignity. No way on this one.

I'm being a little unfair to Linda Scott here. Guilty pleasures are supposed to suck, and this song is actually pretty good. Scott was a great singer, and the guitarist playing behind her is quite talented. The guilt, however, comes from how much I enjoy it. It's saccharine, poppy and hyper feminine, but goddamn if I don't love it anyway.

Ideal Pairing: Strawberry Daiquiri

It's way too sweet, and extremely girly, but ultimately goes down very pleasantly. For reasons of pride, you'd never order it in public, and you wouldn't want your friends to know how much you enjoyed it.

8. Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt

Play?: The odds aren't great that I'll play this, but if I do, it'll probably play about 5 times before I'm done.

Sing or Dance?: Not only have I never wanted to do either of these things, but I'm fairly sure that the Roman Pontiff declared it a mortal sin for other men to, as well.

My hatred of Christmas music is well documented, and it doesn't get much more kitschy than this. None the less, Kitt is a fantastic singer, even when she's putting on the baby voice. Musically, it's the exactly same kind of late 40s, early 50s jazz that I know many of you enjoyed in Fallout 3. So, really, there's a lot going on here, despite this song being pure Velveeta cheese.

Drink Pairing: Eggnog

On top of being seasonal, it's extremely bad for you in large doses. So if you're caught enjoying it outside of the 2.5-3 months out of the year in which it's socially acceptable, prepared to be frowned upon.

9. Homies by ICP

Play?: Not unless I'm with the Rude Dudes. If I am, then oh my God, yes!

Sing?: I have a full set of teeth, so no.

Dance?: .....

Like the Space Jam Theme and Nicholas Cage films, this song is wonderful for exactly the wrong reasons. And like those things, I can only truly enjoy them with a certain class of people. And awesome class of people. I am, of course, talking about the Rude Dudes; that wonderful band of college buddies with whom I enjoy drinking, chatting and watching the St. Louis Rams kick the shit out of the Saints. And apparently objectively terrible pop culture. Listening to this one brings back the best memories.

Drink Pairing: Colt .45 Malt Liquor

To partake, you must either be joking or very, very sad.

10. Captain Jack by Captain Jack

Play?: If I'm loopy enough, sure.

Sing?: Sheeeeiiiiit, there's video evidence out there of me doing that much sober.

Dance?: It would be an insult to the 90s if I didn't

If one were to tally up all the guilty pleasures I have out there, I would be willing to bet real cash that over half of them would be 90s dance pop songs. I love that music. And when it comes to goofy ass 90s songs, none is goofier, assier or 90sier that the 1996 classic (and I use that word pretty loosely, here) "Captain Jack". If this song doesn't at least make you smile, I'm not sure I want to know you.

Drink Pairing: Admiral Nelson Rum

A bottom shelf imitation of its counterparts that still manages to taste pretty good when you mix it. Also, that naval rank is bullshit.

That was a fun list. I think I'll do it again sometime.