The 2014 Grammy Awards

The Grammy Awards suck.

I like to think that I can talk about and/or listen to music with some degree of objectivity, including the lists and awards handed out by critics and institutions. But in a year that saw the release of albums like Aeroplane Over the Sea, Hello Nasty and Mermaid Avenue, Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" won recording of the year. Only in an alternative universe in which corporate shills act as God would the theme for Titanic be considered a superior recording to "Holland, 1945" or "Ingrid Bergman". Hell, last year, Mumford & Sons' turd of a sophomore album beat out Jack White, the Black Keys and Frank Ocean for Album of the Year, insuring that "The Grammy Awards suck" should be treated by music lovers as a statement of universal truth to which religious reverence should be lent.

Whatever.

I could go on and on, but the problems that audiophiles have with the Grammys are as oft repeated as they are patently obvious. It's a waste of your time as well as mine to rehash them here. What I'd like to do instead is go over some of the categories to give my opinion on who should win the award and who I'd give it to in the ideal world in which I was responsible for such things.

The Grammys have a lot of categories, and I'm not so pretentious that I'd claim to know the right choice for every one of them. In a ceremony that gifts an award for "Best Regional Mexican Music Album" (which to me seems to have at least two redundant phrases in it), there are some categories that I don't even understand, much less have any knowledge of. I mean, what the hell is a "Contemporary Urban Album" suppose to be anyway?

So instead, I'll be focusing on the (admittedly quite large) handful of categories that I do have some authority to talk about. For your convenience, I'm using the list provided by the Grammy Awards themselves, which can be found here. That will give you some idea of what the hell I'm talking about when I throw numbers out there. According to the website, nominees qualify between October of 2012 and September of 2013, so I'll follow that guideline as well. It shouldn't exclude anything I'd nominate, in any case.

#68. Producer of the Year, Nonclassical

Nominees:

Rob Cavallo• All That Echoes (Josh Groban) (A) • Bright Lights (Gary Clark Jr.) (T) • ¡Dos! (Green Day) (A) • If I Loved You (Delta Rae Featuring Lindsey Buckingham) (S) • Love They Say (Tegan And Sara) (T) • Things Are Changin' (Gary Clark Jr.) (T) • ¡Tré! (Green Day) (A) • When My Train Pulls In (Gary Clark Jr.) (T) • You've Got Time (Regina Spektor) (S)

Dr. Luke
• Bounce It (Juicy J Featuring Wale & Trey Songz) (S) • Crazy Kids (Kesha) (S) • Fall Down (will.i.am Featuring Miley Cyrus) (S) • Give It 2 U (Robin Thicke Featuring Kendrick Lamar) (S) • Play It Again (Becky G) (S) • Roar (Katy Perry) (S) • Rock Me (One Direction) (T) • Wrecking Ball (Miley Cyrus) (S)

Ariel Rechtshaid• Days Are Gone (Haim) (A) • Everything Is Embarrassing (Sky Ferreira) (T) • Lost In My Bedroom (Sky Ferreira) (T) • Modern Vampires Of The City (Vampire Weekend) (A) • Reincarnated (Snoop Lion) (A) • True Romance (Charli XCX) (A) • You're No Good (Major Lazer Featuring Santigold, Vybz Kartel, Danielle Haim & Yasmin) (T)

Jeff Tweedy
• The Invisible Way (Low) (A) • One True Vine (Mavis Staples) (A) • Wassaic Way (Sarah Lee Guthrie And Johnny Irion) (A)

Pharrell Williams• BBC (Jay Z) (T) • Blurred Lines (Robin Thicke Featuring T.I. & Pharrell) (S) • Happy (Pharrell Williams) (T) • I Can't Describe (The Way I Feel) (Jennifer Hudson Featuring T.I.) (S) • Nuclear (Destiny's Child) (T) • Oceans (Jay Z Featuring Frank Ocean) (T) • Reach Out Richard (Mayer Hawthorne) (T) • The Stars Are Ours (Mayer Hawthorne) (T)

My Pick: The Grammy Awards themselves never start with the biggest categories, and neither will I. Rechtshaid and Cavallo's work listed are cavalcades of mediocrity and Dr. Luke's list represents almost everyone in the music industry that I'd like to set on fire, so I can eliminate them easily. That leaves Tweedy and Pharrell. While I have nothing but undying respect for Tweedy, and while his is probably the better body of work represented, it's extremely difficult to argue for anyone but Pharrell Williams. Williams is a genius in his own right, and his ability to make fantastic melodies out of a minimalist approach to instrumentation is actively changing the way pop music sounds for the better. On top of that, this was clearly the year his approach asserted its dominance through hits like "Blurred Lines", "Happy" and "Get Lucky". It's Pharell's year, and the award should (and will) go to him.

And if I had it my way: Probably the same, although there's really no excuse for Dan Aurbauch not being on this list. Aurbauch has become one of the preeminent talent scouts of the music industry, and the flashy sheen that his production puts on records is making those finds palatable to wider audiences.

#64 Best Boxed or Special Edition Package

The Brussels Affair (Charles Dooher & Scott Sandler, art directors (The Rolling Stones)

How Do You Do (Limited Edition Box Set)

The Road To Red Rocks (Special Edition)

The Smith Tapes

Wings Over America (Deluxe Edition)

My Pick: Probably Smith Tapes just because it's interesting. This is a weak field though. And can someone please explain to me how the hell Mumford & Sons feel that they warrant a box set after the release of just 2 albums? You're not the fucking Sex Pistols, so let's cool it on the legacy hunting.

And if I had it my way: Paramont Records Wonder-Cabinet. The set features the very best of music from one of the first major labels 15 years (1917 to 1932), and seeing as they were the first label to take a serious interest in recording American roots music, that makes this a hell of an intriguing find. Every tune has been remastered by Jack White's Third Man Records, the company releasing it. At a cost of just under $500, I can only dream of this box set. But I would do things to get my hands on it. Cruel, potentially unforgivable things.

#57 Best Soundtrack for Visual Media

Django Unchained

The Great Gatsby (Deluxe Edition)

Les Misérables (Deluxe Edition)

Muscle Shoals

Sound City: Real To Reel

My Pick: This is a strong category, masturbatory inclusion of Great Gatsby notwithstanding. My pick would go to Django Unchained. It's a great soundtrack, and QT's penchant for interspersing the best bits of dialogue from the film throughout the soundtrack works as magically as ever.

And if I had it my way: It's high time that this category, which was obviously left open ended to include more than film, if the need arose, start accepting video game entries. Off the top of my head, I can think of a few games that deserved inclusion at least as nominees, and two that should have won outright. The first was Rockstar's flawless soundtrack for Grand Theft Auto: Vice City from 2002, and the other is Bioshock: Infinite from this year. I've discussed it in two of my previous posts, so I won't bore you with the details, but the game's soundtrack is both imaginative, thematically perfect and extraordinarily well performed. There's only ever been one Grammy nod for a video game score, but Bioshock: Infinite should absolutely be granted the honor as well.

This is where the big jump happens. While best World Music, Gospel, Bluegrass, Blues and Roots Music albums are all categories I'm capable of playing in, I don't know enough to have a deep understanding of the nominees present. It's unfortunate too, because to me, those are the most interesting Grammy Awards. Taylor Swift will continue to get country music nomination nods for her perpetually shitty to mediocre music every year she craps out an album. That's because she sells millions of records and the corporate interests who run this award ceremony shoe-horn her in. These categories? No such fame and fortune. These are breeds of music with limited audiences, and Grammy awards and nominations here really do tend to go to the people who deserve them most. I'd go so far as to argue that the Grammy Awards represent a better gauge for artists in these categories than more prestigious institutions like the Pazz and Jop Poll, because they at least take the time to focus on them in the first place. Next year, instead of doing this, I think I'll do a write up of all the music present in the lesser known categories and rate that. But for now, I'm going to jump past them.

#29 Best Country Album

Night Train by Jason Aldean

Two Lanes of Freedom by Tim McGraw

Same Trailer, Different Park by Kacey Musgraves

Based on a True Story by Blake Shelton

Red by Taylor Swift

My Pick:  Those of you who've read me for a while know that I was very impressed by the work of newcomer Kacey Musgraves, and this collection of crappy pop artists gives her no competition in my eyes. I can't tell you how many years Tim McGraw has been turning out generic Nashville nonsense, but Musgraves' lyrical themes and the various bluegrass, blues and rock flavors have allowed her to blow the likes of him out of the water with her very first release. Musgraves represents a refreshing change of pace for the country world, and I hope her attitudes and style catch on.

And if I had it my way: Since the Grammy Awards seem to file anything that's not popular under "alternative" (a musical term that lost any meaning eons ago), I'll switch up the order a bit. For me, Neko Case is alternative country, and that means I'd give her the Grammy for Country Album. I'll go ahead and skip a step in giving her Best Country Song for "Man" too, while I'm at it. I've talked about Case's recent album extensively, so I'll spare you.

#25 Best Rap Album

Nothing was the Same by Drake

Magna Carta...Holy Grail by Jay-Z

Good Kid, M.A.A.D. City by Kendrick Lamar

The Heist by Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis

Yeezus by Kanye West

My Pick: I've stated many times that I've thought this was a weak year for hip-hop, and boy howdy is that reflected in this crop of nominees. Of these records, two are stinking turds, one is purely mediocre and only Mackelmore and Kendrick Lamar are particularly good. I'll pick Mackelmore for at least coming to the table with a fresh approach, but none of these records are exactly masterworks.

If I had it my way: Run the Jewels by Run the Jewels. Killer Mike and El-P combining to form a duo is about as dynamic and inspiring a rap collaboration as one could ask for. El-P is, for my money, the best beat master short of the Roots and Killer Mike throws down a fast-and-furious, hard pounding style of rap that's a joy to listen to. With their powers combined, the pair's debut collaboration is a relentless, fun masterpiece of street rap tragically ignored by the likes of the Grammys.

#24 Best Rap Song

Every one of the songs nominated in this category sucks, so I'm not even going to bother. I guess I'd go with "Thrift Shop" by Mackelmore for the win if you put a gun to my head, but it's just heartbreaking that a joke song is better than the other nominees.

If I had it My Way: "Walk us Uptown" by the Elvis Costello & the Roots. I've again written pretty extensively about this song and the album on which it appears. The Roots are the best.

#16 Best Alternative Music Album

The Worse Things Get, the Harder I Fight. The Harder I Fight, the More I Love You by Neko Case

Trouble Will Find Me by the National

Hesitation Marks by Nine Inch Nails

Lonerism by Tame Impala

Modern Vampires of the City by Vampire Weekend

My Pick: I had initially planned to do a list of the ten most disappointing releases of 2013, but nixed the idea based on the sagely advice from Nelson Mandela that if you can't say something nice, it's best not to say anything at all (citation needed). I bring this up because no less than three of these five nominees were on that list, and one of the remainders was in serious contention for it. I won't  point any fingers as to which ones drew my ire, but here's a hint: it's everyone not named Neko Case. 

If I had it my way: This would be an entirely different list of nominees, for starters. Where is Savages? Where is Parquet Court? Why is Neko Case not in country? Trying to unravel the mystery that is the Grammy's categorization/nomination process leaves me with more questions than answers, so I'll cut to the chase and give this award to Parquet Court for Light up Gold.

#12 Best Rock Album

13 by Black Sabbath

The Next Day by David Bowie

Celebration Day by Led Zepplin

...Like Clockwork by Queens of the Stoneage

Psychedelic Pill by Neil Young & Crazy Horse

My Pick: Uffda. I though the alternative selection was bad. 13 and Psychedelic Pill completely suck, The Next Day is strictly okay and Celebration Day was both a movie and a collection of old live footage rather than an album. I'll pick Clockwork, not for being one of the years best albums, but for being the only redeeming factor of this list.

If I had it my way: Burn them all. And then give the award to Richard Thompson for Electric

#12 Best Rock Song

"Ain't Messin Round" by Guy Clark

"Cut Me Some Slack" by Dave Grohl and Paul McCartney

"Doom and Gloom" by the Rolling Stones

"Panic Station" by Matthew Bellamy

My Pick: Just when I'd given up hope of seeing a well rounded category again, I find this. This is a pretty damn good list of songs. I mean, the right choice is "Doom and Gloom" by a thousand, thousand miles, but still...good on you, Grammys.

If I had it my way: The Rolling Stones deserve a ton of credit for creating one of the hardest rocking, most dynamic tunes of their career 50 years into it. Jagger and Richards were 69 years old when this song was recorded, and they sound just as badass as they ever did. Since it counts for this ceremony, I will absolutely double down on this choice.

I'll summarize pop here to save you all time

The pop categories at the Grammys are a total mess. There are too many variations to the Pop and dance music for me to cover them all, and there isn't a great album in between the lot of them. Pure Heroine is the closest thing to a complete package, and writing about how I like that one ten times is just going to get tedious. So instead, I'm going to write the ones I see appearing the most here.

"Get Lucky" by Daft Punk

"Royals" by Lorde

"Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke

"Roar" by Katy Perry

"Locked out of Heaven" by Bruno Mars

My Pick: I gotta say, this is a hell of a list. "Roar" is the only song on here I outright dislike, and even that one's entirely tolerable. Granted, I'm cherry picking, but even the songs that surrounded these ones in the eight odd pop categories are all pretty good. I'd probably have to give Lorde the nod here, although Daft Punk is seriously tempting. I've never been a fan, but Pharelle did a phenomenal job with "Get Lucky". Still, "Royals" competes very well with "Get Lucky"'s sound and ultimately has more interesting things to say. I'll go with it.

If I had it My Way: Chvrches would be nominated, and it would win. That's the more innovative pop record, no question.

#4 Best New Artist

James Blake

Kendrick Lamar

Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis

Kacey Musgraves

Ed Sheeran

My Pick: At this point, it would be no surprise to you that I'd take Musgraves. I've been over the reasoning for that repeatedly.

If it were up to me: This is one of those categories that irks me. What the Grammys mean when they say "best new artist" is "best artist that got insanely popular during this last fiscal year". Well, two can play at that game, Grammys! I'd like to nominate Chvrches and Bombino to replace Sheeran and Mackelmore. Bombino takes it for me, simply for being the single best guitar player making music today. Technically his breakout album Nomad was not his first, but Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis aren't exactly newcomers either. Failing that, then, I'd give Chvrches the nod. They're one of the most exciting bands to emerge this last year, and I'm eagerly anticipating their next step.

I'm not going to dignify the Grammy's album of the year list with a response. I'm not entirely sure why there's a distinction between the song and recording of the years, as those seem like synonymous concepts. So I'll skip to recording of the year to tally this off.

#1 Record of the Year

"Get Lucky" by Daft Punk

"Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons

"Royals" by Lorde

"Locked out of Heaven" by Bruno Mars

"Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke

My Pick: I should probably select "Royals" again, but for the sake of variety, let's go with "Radioactive". It's a great song that I still love, despite the shockingly brief time it took for Imagine Dragons to piss away their potential.

If it were up to me: This is a tough one, actually. I picked a favorite song of the year easily enough, but that was my personal favorite. To pick a recording that is great from a more universal perspective is a tougher choice. For the period presented, I choose "Doom and Gloom" by the Rolling Stones. Someday, when the Stones die/retire, "Doom and Gloom" will be remembered as the exclamation mark at the end of of the most legendary band in hard rock history. I like to think that the Stones' greatness really began with 1963's "Satisfaction" and if it ended with "Doom and Gloom", it would make for the best bookend singles in rock history. "Doom and Gloom" for the win!